My contribution to the anthology, In Spite of It All, was about my battle with isolating myself during some of the most challenging times in my life. I was hurting so bad vocalizing the pain would have sent me into a state of shock. It wasn’t just the current pain but the pains that erected from my past in combination. All of it felt familiar; the faces were slightly different. I had not taken steps to heal, so it felt like I was a little girl crying for someone to save me with every encounter. Isolating is a form of self-sabotage, and it kept me circling for years. Every time I shut myself off, it was harder to break free. I stayed away long enough to feel a little better; decluttering my space, and journaling helped me exit the pit, but I did not stay out of it. These modalities help to a degree. Depending on the severity of your pain, you should seek counseling too. A combination of all three will get you out and help you maintain your freedom. It is not to say you will not go through anything. You will, but you won’t respond the same.
There are so many ways we self-sabotage that we may not even look at it as such. Let’s be clear the list is lengthy. “Self-sabotage creates mountains of self-defeat, which can be hard to overcome, especially if we have given all of our power away.” Many of us have entirely given our power away. We wait on something to magically happen when we possess the tools to break the chains that keep us bound. We have the ability in our words to speak to the very mountains we have caused. Yes, you built the mountain, so understand you can also take it down. Ask yourself this, if I created it, why am I waiting on God to overthrow it? Ponder that. Generational traumas may not be a mountain you erected, but understanding what is going on by tracing the origin will help you heal your family line.
Breaking community does not allow us to innerstand what we have on the inside of us. Yes, some will stab you in an already infected wound, but the right people will show up when you want the help. There is a difference between wanting help and wanting friends in your sandbox. If someone gets in the sandbox with you, they cannot help you. I have had dreams about people and the keys they had to free me. We do not like the support from the people God is putting in our path or are we too caught up on the vision of how we think deliverance will take place. The fairytales fed to us as children could be why many are stuck. Listen, if I had waited for things to play out exactly how I saw it going in my head, I would not be where I am now. I once believed in fairytales too. In my situation, I was hurt by so many I could not trust ANYONE! Whenever I opened up a little, I would either have it thrown in my face if I wasn’t allowing a person to control me, “mixed with “the Lord said” as a method of control, or have it tapped danced on by the very ones I trusted to tell. The assassination of my character has its pain points. Currently, I have had to leave people who continue to view me through a lens someone else created. When I started connecting with people in other states by way of technological advances, I began to feel a shift inwardly. It will not be who you expect. Those you desire may not have your best interest at heart. Those we wish may have words to detonate the explosion, so be careful expecting who you know all the time. People who know you don’t see you. They know what they’ve experienced, not who you are at your core.
Isolating myself with my pain was one of the most problematic cycles I had to break. I can remember, as a little girl, I would always escape and hide. My bedroom closet as a child was my go-to. I grew up to do the same as an adult-only my home became my closet. Isolation can cause depression, poor sleep habits, cognitive decline, poor cardiovascular function, and impaired immunity—some of which I experienced and spoke of in the book. Isolating with pain creates a cesspool for depression and suicidal ideations. Something I started doing as a child, I continued in my adulthood. But it wasn’t the adult me deciding to do that; it was the wounded inner child who made the decisions. Adults do not hide; children do. Adults are usually the ones standing firm to protect, not running hiding from the boogie man (pain). Understand if you have had any level of hurt, and it is unprocessed; your inner child has driven your life. Remember, whatever age you were when you experienced the trauma, your development was arrested at that point. Ever wonder why a woman goes back to a man who hurt her repeatedly? Because the child does not want to be alone, and they forgive easily. Remember when you were little, and someone broke you, they bought you something. A toy or candy, so when the narcissist who knows you have a wounded inner child picks up on this, he too will buy you things to make it all better.
Join me Tuesday for Tea & Talk with Toya as I talk a little more about my relationship with isolation and how I ended it for good.