The Chains of Uncertainty

It is very important to be certain about who you are and your purpose in life. A clear vision will keep you focused on your destination leaving little room for exits that take you off route. Growing up in a household with dreams bigger than what you are experiencing can be tough, when you share them and your fire is put out, it causes doubt to creep in and before you know it uncertainty has shaped your life. You no longer feel you are capable of anything but what you saw: households without husbands, men who are upheld by their mothers in their error, daughters who don't know their fathers, and another generation of dysfunctional patterns. At some point God will get your attention making known who you are in Him and how He plans to use you, yet the chains remains. What do you do when a prophet says one thing but your heart stills hears "you will not amount to anything"? How do you move beyond desiring so much more while the grip of becoming a product of your environment has you in chains? You want to believe but your mind is covered in the armor  put on you. There was no cultivating, no attention paid to what you were good at, no one to say they are proud of you. There was no one to push you forward to do better than what you saw. No one to say, you will be better than I was.


I didn't have an obvious gift, nor did I consider myself an intellectual person, I felt so alone and useless that I began to question my existence at an early age.  Eventually, I stopped sharing my dreams. I suppressed my hunger for better. I would read magazines and watch shows dreaming of something more but I kept it all bottled up. As time passed, no one even remembered I ever wanted anything out of life, I started to walk through life wanting more yet settling.  I would immediately discern when something was not good for me but I ate of it anyway. I looked for everything I did not have in people who did not have it either breaking me even further. Crying became my only way to get to sleep. My journal was the only friend I had. Disappointment became my identity. In every situation, I expected it. As bad as I wanted something to work, when it did not, I was not surprised.  A persons upbringing directly affects them in more ways than they could imagine. The mindset is shaped at an early age and it will cripple your adulthood. Some are usually on the verge of loosing it all before they realize the issues lie within. I was stuck in an isolated trap for the last time on the verge of taking my life before I said enough was enough. Since then, I have fought to heal and maintain.  I was in my thirties, emotionally nine years old. Now, I am making it my life's work to help as many as I can to heal and get their lives back. Our upbringing has such a grip it can take years to break free. I have encountered seasons in my life that revealed a deeper healing I needed. I am glad that I realized this is what was happening and not ignore it because it was how I was raised. Those words are disheartening to hear especially when said without the notion of changing the narrative once it is realized it's toxic. 


It took continual work and helping others fulfill their dreams that I  realized mine. In helping others you may discover a lot about yourself too.   Adamantly, you pursue. With everything you have you fight for who you were pre trauma. Every day a layer is uncovered and I am actively working to be better. You will not get it all at once. There will always be areas that require work, just begin. Although at times you may want to quit and succumb to what is easier, finally you believe God and walk in who you are in Him. Uncertainty has had you bound far too long. We have been lost on this road making decisions that were not morally sound,  now you know who you are. You do not have to be what you saw, you do not have to be what they called you, you do not have to be what happened to you. You can be who you are, who God perfectly created you to be. Evaluate your patterns, your life, your feelings, and trace why you do what you do. Once you have that understanding that is the beginning to being free. We can not be who we need to be to others in fragmented states remember the veil was rent.  The mental fragmentation was made whole. Lets all heal so that another generation won't have to heal from childhood trauma, uncertain about who they are. We owe it to ourselves and our future.




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