Poorly Supported

Are you genuinely supported? Do you have people in your life who will cheer you on but as soon as you make it to the finish the cheering stops? You finally endured to the end but the silence was loud and confusing. Lack of support led me to live such an unaccomplished life, I honestly felt like no one expected me to ever win. I was broken and continued disappointments created a cycle of stagnancy that was hard to break free from. I recall times when their words said one thing but the energy said different. Why do people root you on when deep down they do not like you? I understood genuine support spoke in action to accompany words. One day as I sat at my desk working on a project emotions surfaced that overwhelmed me. In that moment I felt alone and unsupported, I felt like I had no one. It was an extremely heavy feeling, that erected for a purpose. It was so heavy I had to unplug from my project to process what was happening. The same technique I teach my clients, I used. I wrote about what I felt as clear as I could and the memory that surfaced, I poured it out through my words as the tears stained the paper. I remembered modeling was a dream of mine. It was something I often spoke of to family members. After I graduated from high school I moved several hours from home where I thought I would have a greater chance manifesting this desire. I auditioned and was accepted into a school. This was the most exciting time of my life. I knew this was it for me all I needed was support until I was able to take care of myself. My registration was paid but I never started my first class. Fresh out of high school I had no job or transportation so I relied on family. I knew they would show up for me as much as I talked about modeling.  A phone call with news I was not ready for changed the trajectory of that dream, in that moment I heard something inside of me shatter like falling glass. There were other shattering moments in my life but this one hurt deeply. That was my ticket out, that was my ticket to the life I dreamed of, that ticket shredded before my eyes. I cried for hours. A three hour trip was filled with the warmth of my tears continuously falling, and a suffocating feeling making it hard for me to breathe. My tears were literally my meat at that hour. My pain was dismissed, the lack of support was justified by decisions that shouldn't have been placed on me to bear and I was left feeling as though there was nothing left to take. I was expected to do so much being the backbone for others but no one supported me. I was torn down and my failures were used against me to justify why I was being treated the way I was. How do you feel was never asked. Do you want to apply again, was not an option afforded me. Can I hug you did not cross a mind. The level of abandonment I experienced in that moment played out in my life up until the moment I processed it. I have felt unsupported from that moment on. 

I battled and struggled with it so long it became a part of me. It was time to heal that area. I helped my daughter build her business and supported her in her endeavors to find she had all of the support I always desired from the people I desired it from. Over ten years later I attempt to share my desires to be dismissed yet again. It was time to heal and win for me. Understand, healing is a continual process. There are layers that we have to continually address. Once we are over one hurdle more awaits us. This experience is what I would tell my clients is a limiting belief surfacing, this is what I would coach them through, this is a great example of how we get stuck in repeat cycles. This was a block for me. I had to trace the root of this erected feeling and deal with it accordingly. Unless the axe is laid to the root water and minerals will get to it and it will not die. This is why surface level healing is not beneficial. Now that I have started my business helping people in a greater capacity those who are genuinely for me are. It does not matter who is not anymore. God has blessed me to connect with some amazing people whom I am grateful to know. There are no hidden agendas with them, their is no superiority complex with them, there is only cheering and celebrations after each milestone. I encourage each of you who will read this to surround yourself with supportive people. Those who will push you and not feel some type of way when you win. 

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