As I evolve in my learning I realize what I believe affects my behavior. If my thoughts towards myself are off, emotionally I will be off producing off behavior. There was a time I believed I could not be loved. There was a parental love I wanted so bad but I did not get it. Yes, years later I understood my parents loved me at the capacity they were loved, but at the moment I felt rejected and confused. I had a great understanding then that love was not supposed to make me feel the levels of pain I felt in relationships so when I kept getting the same thing I began to internalize that as I could not be loved. This thought process haunted me and it affected every relationship, intimately or socially. I gave all of me away because if I can't be loved why bother with the other stuff. All of me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I was never there for myself. It was about what I believed, and the hope that maybe they will possibly love me if I keep sacrificing myself. It changed nothing! I'm not certain if any relationship I've been in I was loved. No, can’t think of a single one. I've felt trapped unable to breathe wanting to scream because I wanted so much more. I received the bare minimum because I accepted it and I accepted it because that’s how I felt about myself. It felt like prison time after time after time.
I later found I Can Be Loved! Yes, I discovered self-love. This was my first step in understanding love. As I continue to walk this path, I am finding everything is falling in place. I am aligned with love, self-love.
There was no blueprint for me to follow in understanding what love was. I tasted time after time hurt which is what I thought was love but once I healed and understood I deserved better I still questioned if I could be loved for real. Does love require emotional catastrophic hurt? Does it mean needs not being met on an emotional level, does love mean lack? Does it mean to stand by your man even when everything is telling you to “Let It Burn” (song by Usher)? I was dating a guy and I heard that song as I slept. Had not heard it in years but it was clear what I needed to do. This was one I had taken back after I discovered he cheated. He never stopped. He kept multiple relationships going simultaneously just got better at it. Typically, when we take them back we only make them better at it.
We all want to feel loved. Some have grown to mask this fact with the “I don’t need a man” mentality. This is a trauma response. There is still work to be done there, there is no self-mastery, nor is there self-love. In the context that I have heard this statement, this is usually the underlying condition. You know how someone may be experiencing issues with there eyes, it is treated, but the underlying condition may have to do with the liver. Trauma responses such as the one stated above, have underlying conditions and we have to be able to hear what is not being said.
Desiring to feel loved so bad can send signals of desperation to predators causing more pain. The best medication for this is self-love. You have to get to know who you are, embrace everything about you, practice self-care, spend time alone studying yourself, and loving on you the way you want to be loved. When we do not do these things, we seek outside sources to make up for what we do not understand how to do ourselves. We become emotionally dependent on others to validate us and take it from a girl who battled rejection this is not a safe road to travel. The destination ends in fragmentation that will leave you gasping for your next breath.
Apply these tips and begin to love yourself like never before. You will see a big difference in your outlook on being loved:
1. Forgive yourself- Love you despite your past choices. Your past was the wisdom you needed for your right now. Turn it on and live your life without the weight of decisions you made hanging on you.
2. Start a journal-Write out your thoughts and feelings to get rid of the negative energy. Reflect on what you write so that you can track your progress. Seeing how we think on paper helps with a perspective change.
4. Pursue new interest
5. Travel- Learn new cultures
6. Have fun by yourself-Learn to enjoy your won company
7. Say NO-Being all things to all people was attached to you desiring love so bad, change that narrative, and practice self-care by saying no.
8. Practice self-care- Schedule a self-care day EVERY week.
Thanks for reading!