I Abandoned Myself

Have you found that the same things we say we lacked as children we also do to ourselves? We abandon, reject, neglect, and sabotage ourselves in more ways than I can count. Deprived as children, and we continue this in our adulthood. Judge yourself and do the inner work. If we took the time to study ourselves, we would become aware of dysfunctional habits that do not serve who were are or where we are going. I felt abandoned as a child and in my intimate relationships. Whenever a relationship did not work, rejection hurt more than anything because I relived how it felt when I first experienced it. The pain grew more intense over time, which resulted in me isolating myself to near death. I was in a state I did not want to be observed, so I hid. I did not wish the child-like state I was in to be seen by anyone, especially the one who hurt me.


Although I felt this way as a child, I grew to think that if I tried more, worked harder, made sure everyone else was okay while I suffered would make me feel accomplished. I have been in a situation where I was not feeling well and so tired, I could not think, but I was there whenever someone called. I have traveled to go chill with everyone, and the same ones rarely visited me. I cooked and delivered meals to people who were not feeling well. I have given money to help others out I could not afford to give, I have done so much, and it wasn't because I have a big heart. Do not get me wrong; I am a generous person. But at the time, I gave from a place of fragmentation, so it all was to gain something I lacked, acceptance. In each situation I named above each of those people, I helped hurt me somehow. When I do anything now, it is from a healed space because I desire to help. I am no longer nourishing rejection and abandonment. I no longer need to be validated by people, so I do not have to feed that. What we starve will die. Starve dysfunction.


Putting someone else's needs before your own is a form of self-sabotage. Who convinced us that pouring out all you have makes us extraordinary, great, heaven-bound people? It doesn't. You create your heaven or hell frequency right here on this earth plane, and sacrificing yourself for others sounds a little hellish to me. You are only hurting yourself, pretending to be a magnificent person helping everyone, then talking about them when they do not ask how high you say jump. We have learned the look, but we have yet to master the character development. The outer appearance makes us feel great and better than others, while internally, we suffer from experiencing hell.


You do not have a big heart as the Facebook post stated, you do lack boundaries, and you are sabotaging yourself. These people have dealt with some form of rejection, and this is how they want to belong. They want to feel wanted, needed, and accepted, so they give all they have and get nothing in return. They find themselves upset with the people they gave it all to because they weren't giving their all back. Listen, those people did not tell you to do that. You did so because you are unhealed. You only received what you gave out on your emotional level. You gave from rejection, so you reaped more rejection. Check that stuff at the door. As much as we offer, why aren't we prospering as much as we should be: mentally, physically, and emotionally? When leaders talk about getting your heart right, understand they are talking about your emotions too. Your thoughts and feelings are a frequency; that is why people can feel you before entering a room, be it good or bad. So if that is the case, you are emotionally troubled, but you smile paying your tithes for two decades, and you have no more than what you worked hard to receive should tell you something.


Stop abandoning yourself for the likes of others. You are trying to be a part of a crowd that is not suited for your purpose. Heal those parts of you that keep people-pleasing and want to be wanted so bad you will neglect yourself for others who are capitalizing on your need for acceptance. There was a time I did not want to take anything from people because I did not know if I could give back when they needed it. I understood both ends of the spectrum, but I had to heal that thought process because some do not have an agenda. If you are tired, let them know you can not make it. When you are not feeling well, heal yourself, and get your strength back. Bills are due, so pay your bills; you will not be cursed with a curse, sweetie. Read that in context. In most people's eyes, we are cursed people; we do not need any more stress thinking to take care of responsibility will curse us even more. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you. Obsessing over what others will say about you will keep you stagnant. There won't be any movement out of fear of what someone else will say. Heal that and live.




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