HELP, why is this happening to me? Why am I going in circles? Do I fight through this or do I succumb to the pain? When does it end? I can not keep this up. The strong exterior while internally I am fragmented is over. I can not do this anymore. The pretend has worn off and I can no longer keep up appearances. It is showing up in everything I do. All of my decisions are based on it. I am attracting more of how I feel than what I want. More brokenness, more hurt, more pain. Everything I touch turns into the state of my being. Nothing is completed, I stop before I start. With every setback, I relived trauma I experience 10 years ago. It doesn't matter how big or small it all hurts the same. I am tired and I want to be free. Whatever that is, I just want to be me. Pieces of me are everywhere. I am shattering more with everyone I find, what will be left of me?
These were the thoughts that ran through my mind during those severely depressive states. I did not know how to heal this gut wrenching pain so I isolated myself. I packed it all and hid in the darkness. I did not want anyone to see my nakedness, I did not want anyone to hear the sound of my tears hitting the floor, nor did I want to talk about what was bothering me. Shame plagued me, hopelessness enveloped me, and at the time I was not inclined to seek the help I desperately needed. I felt like there was an internal war that I continued to loose every time I responded in the manner I did.
I felt safest alone, but I was not safe. Psychologically, I was in imminent danger. I hid among the hidden in plain site. I screamed among the loud sounds. I cried in the rain. I was taught to not speak. I was taught to hide. "Don't let them see you sweat" is what they said. How do I reveal this hurt and not sweat? "What happens in this house stays in this house" is why many are sick. Their inability to release has clogged them up. While they assume it one thing it is really their emotional well being causing the spirals in their health. "If we don't talk about it, it will be okay." "If he is taking care of home, let that man live." "Abuse is only physical." The generational lies have kept us in bondage. These lies which have darkened our souls. But who understands this? It was better that I remain alone.
I began to deal with pain points by acknowledging them, identifying my thought process, and tracing where it all came from. It could have been something that was said, something that was done, or neither. Void of validation, void of affection, overwhelmed with feeling like my existence was a problem shaped my life. I internalized these things and I began to act in ways that would obtain what I wanted. When I had those things I thought I wanted, any early signs that I would loose it was the onset of emotional disasters. I would reject before I was rejected although rejecting hurt just as much. I began to pay attention to the reoccurring things in my life, and how I dealt with them the same each time only to have them repeat again and again. Finally, I had to stop, take a look in the mirror, face LaToya and tackle this thing head on.
In the second grade my grandmother put some of her expensive perfume lotion on me before school. She purchased things I could not pronounce or spell but I knew they cost more than what the average person spent on such things. She really did not buy anything cheap. As happy as I could be to have it on I went off to school for the day. During quite time in class we all had our heads down when the assistant teacher started to yell out "somebody stinks!" She said it so many times I lost count. I kept my head down because I knew it was not me considering I had on the good stuff that day. The teacher began to come around sniffing all of us. When she got to me, she yelled out "that's you smelling like that!" I raised my head in disbelief only to lower it again. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I could not breathe. I laid in my arms in tears wanting to die. I needed the nightmare to be over quickly. She had the other students get in line to sniff me like I was an animal. I became arrested by that moment as I heard everyone else sound off how bad I smelled. They laughed as I drowned. I never shared how much that hurt with anyone until I was in my thirties, but every time I felt embarrassed I felt like that little girl all over again.
Situations like the one mentioned above is what produces errors in our thinking. I resented that teacher. I did not wear perfume lotion until I was in my thirties. I showered morning, noon and night, thinking I did not smell good and I did everything in my power to not put myself in situations that would bring on shame. I was not able to totally avoid shame but I was not doing anything to bring it on. I stayed in a safe zone. The safe zone kept me in bondage. That was a wounded place and the wound only became worse over time. Anything anyone said, even if they meant well, made me feel like that little girl. That seven year old girl showed up in my life for years. She was in control until I healed her. She did not trust anyone. As much as she wanted too she could not. There was no place for her to go. She felt betrayed at home and school. As an adult she felt it in everything she was apart of eventually.
I was a broken little girl who inflicted hurt I felt. There was no in between. I was either very nasty in my responses or I would shut down and completely walk away isolating myself from who reminded me of my aggressors. I did not have good relationships with women at all. All of them reminded me of an authoritative figure who betrayed me. Different face, same actions. I recall times when I had to speak and if I cried people would assume those tears were because of how much I honored the person I was speaking about. In reality it was the little girl in me crying out for help because in that moment she wanted to be heard. She wanted to be free. She recognized the heart of the person I was talking about and she feared them. As an adult, I tried telling others but because I spoke like a seven year old when trying to explain no one listened allowing the treatment to continue. But the moment I walked away, I was told I was not faithful or asked if God told me to leave as if staying in environments that added to trauma was the will of God. This would make anyone question what God do we really serve.
My own experiences allowed me to see how broken people are and that there was healing that needed to be ministered to all. Who is willing to help? Who is willing to really understand people and their pain points providing deliverance by educating, acknowledging, accepting, and releasing. I am! I am armed with tools to help because I had to claw my way out. I was strengthened with fight to get out and stay out meeting those I needed along the way. I was not being pushed back down by the divine connections that met me along the way. I was always told that when the student is ready the teacher appears. Thanks to technological advances I found my community and I am thriving because of them. I am healing daily, operating a business, a published author, student, and healer. I did not give up and neither do you. Trauma capped my potential long enough and this does not have to be you. I learned to blame an external devil for what was going on in my life. My last pit experience taught me who my real enemy was. The enemy is the lie. The enemy is the trauma that has not been healed. The enemy was my subconscious mind. For over 20 years, I was imprisoned by an adult who decided to make a mockery of me in front of my classmates.
Choose this day to process your emotions and heal. You deserve better. You deserve to be whole. No more fragmentation.
Thanks for reading!
If this reading resonated with you feel free to share on your platforms spreading the awareness. Emotional setbacks are real and they can really hinder progress if we are not aware of the origin of our responses to them.